I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Less talking, more tequila
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
