If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You dont lie about slip and slides
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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