I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he fucked my hip out of place.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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