So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
