You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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