just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
