Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
