I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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