Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
