the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
