I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
