Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
