someone threw a dead crab at me
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
