Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
