Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
