If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
