I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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