you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
