i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
