Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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