You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
40s are totally the cure
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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