I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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