Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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