he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
