people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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