Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
