Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's never too late to be topless.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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