i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
