I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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