I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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