Where are you?
In a non slutty way
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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