Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
