I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
