Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
