trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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