Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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