I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My dick has a subreddit
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
