threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
