I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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