I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
