We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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