also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
