Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
