I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
