my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
