so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
