is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
