Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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