This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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