I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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