I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
