We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
