my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
