I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
