i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
