Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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