I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
