btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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