is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
