Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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