Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
