I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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