He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My ATM looks so different sober.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
