my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Found your dick twin last night
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize