Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize