Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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