I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
