I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
