Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
